Compartmentalising Relationships

Friends, good friends, best friends, life partner - These and many more relationships are defined by us. We have named these relations based on our experience for years. And this is required sometimes to consciously know this separation. But it becomes unnecessary effort, when we try to compulsorily fit all individuals in these categories.

Can’t we just be, what we want to be to a person, without naming the relationship? So if I feel like chatting everyday with somebody, I do that. If I feel like doing something for the other, I do that. If I feel like spending life with somebody, I do that. Do we really need to categorise them into some compartments, which we only created and which have only increased the confusion?

Let us look at the beginning of civilisation. Somebody would have felt that he is good person to chat with and I have good time with him. So they started spending time together, sharing their thoughts and doing things together (We call them friends).

And then there is somebody, who feels like - I cannot live without this person. After meeting him/her, he/she becomes an essential part of the life. One feels a completeness with him/her. So they choose to stay together (We call it marriage)

But in these cases, reason comes first and then we name the relationship. Then only purity of relationship remains. What we normally do is, as soon as we meet a person, we try to fit him into a category in our life. So the relationship is named first, and then efforts are taken to adjust things as per that. It cannot sustain. There is such a vast degree of difference in our relationships, that we cannot put two people at same place in our life. They occupy a completely different space.

Take the case of marriage. In real sense, there is no need to do adjustments, sacrifices and so on. What I mean is, even if it looks like a sacrifice to others, it is not actually. So as Ashwita said, the spouse will learn to play the sport, it may look to others that spouse is adjusting or taking extra effort for maintaining marriage. But to him/her, it is gaining happiness from the happiness of life partner. It is so natural, if two people are in love.

But problem happens, when marriages are performed as a ritual, as a necessity. And then two people try to fit themselves into the expected framework. This may work out, but it will require adjustments and sacrifices and these do not sustain for long (at least these cannot let you have the real essence of love). Today there is so much hoopla and gyan on maintaining relationships, the reason is basic feeling is missing. People marry without having the right reason for it. Marriages happen first and then reasons are searched to stay together. That’s not marriage (or at least it was not meant like that, when it would have started).

I think the question is not whether best friend can be a good husband, but point is, anybody you are going to marry, is he the one with whom you want to spend your entire life? Is he the one who gives fulfillment to your life? Is he the one with whom you are yourself? Is he the one with whom your journey of life will be more joyful and enriching? Now, the ones we call as best friends may or may not fit as the part of life. It cannot be generalized. It depends on your way of life and values, and the way you define best friends.

He is mean to me

If somebody feels that people are making fool of him or people are mean to him, the total fault is of the person himself and nobody else. Fault is not about doing something for people who do not value it or try to take advantage out of it. But fault is of doing something and feeling bad about it depending on the reactions of others.

It is true that we all expect people to respond properly for something done by us. It is very normal to feel bad when you know that people are taking advantage out of your generosity.

But first of all, let us see what we are doing? We feel like doing something. We feel like doing it because we wanted to do it. We do it. Now we should be happy about following our heart, about taking an action which WE wanted to take. But what we do - We try to get the acknowledgement from others. Nothing wrong in that. We should take reactions from people. But problem is it goes to the extent that our future actions become dependent on it? So if somebody gave a return smile, we will smile again, but if somebody didn’t, we will hate his face (many times we do not know what was the reason of him not smiling).

Similarly, many times we think that the other person is being mean to us. But it is always better to understand it completely before making interpretation. It is even better to talk it out. But we do not do that, we are more comfortable assuming things, than opening up and saying things as they are.

And it may be that person is trying to take undue advantage of us. but how can a person make us do something which we did not want to do? And if we wanted to do something, and he is taking advantage out of it, let him take. How are we bothered about it? If we feel that something should be done for the other, let’s not do it. But doing it and then cribbing – isn’t it fooling ourselves?

Another aspect of such cases is - it is not only that other people are mean in these cases, but many times person makes himself gullible to such things. He will have a self image of being good to others. He secures acceptability from doing things for others. Now even if he knows that other people are taking advantage of him, he will not have courage to come out and say 'this is enough'. He will continue doing that and will keep cribbing on the back. He will not break his image of being nice and will continue his goody things. He will not understand that by winning others acceptability he is losing self respect. Now if he does not have courage to follow his heart, how can he blame others? The people who support his goody actions, may seem like his friend but they make him even weaker. The reactions they get is rather a good trigger to know that you are following your heart and falling into other’s trap.

They say, if stone and glass crashes and glass breaks, it is not because of stone, but the nature of the glass. This may sound very rude, but it is the fact. This is not to support the mean actions of others. There is no doubt that we all should have gratitude to goodness done to us. But point is, we can’t go and change the world to react as what we wish. We can only work to become strong enough to face any foolish, stupid, mean or shrewd behaviour.

There are people who know what they are doing and are happy about it irrespective of what others say or do about it. They do their part, let people do their own. Everybody is free to do what he or she wishes. If we start bothering about reactions of others, we cannot move even a single step. Everybody has his own way of thinking.

Yes, it is difficult to do acts independent of other’s reactions. But this difficulty is just an illusion. Ask a person (or ask yourself), who has been spoiling his hours and days remembering other’s reactions. Ask him, by doing that what he has done to himself and his time. Is it not difficult to spend time like this? I think doing what we want to do and leaving reactions to other’s choices is much easier. It’s only a matter of knowing it.

Brothers & Sisters - How Chemistry Goes Bad

(Somebody shared his not-so-good relationship with his brother and this came out in repsonse).

We have always heard of great friendship stories. Childhood friends sharing a great relation for the rest of their age. they might not play around same way, but just look at them when they meet after years.

Ever seen such a bonding among siblings? There may be some, but so rare. 90% of the cases, we come across are such where siblings do not share a great bondage. Yes, they share a great deal between them, but still it does not go much beyond blood connection and rarely reaches the intensity of freindhsip (Rather, in many cases, relationship gets spoiled as they grow and start getting settled in their lives). In 9.5% cases, relationship is sour from childhood or teenage itself.

It is surprisingly so familier situation and I am sure that most of us share greater relationships with friends rather than brothers or sisters. And we all have some degree of friction with siblings, ranging from fights over petty matters to the complete cold war. There are in fact very few people who have got their siblings as their best friends. Now this seems so contradictory. They are the ones we know since our childhood and understand them much better than anybody else, and then also we are not able to develop wonderful relationships with them.

If we have a clear look, we might find that most of the times reason does not lie in what we did not do, or what we should have done, or what we need to do, but rather in contamination of relationship with needless considerations we add to the simple chemistry (Rather that’s true with any relationship).

Let’s look at this relationship simply. Here is somebody who knows us and whom we know so well. They are the ones who have cared for us and we have reciprocated. They are here so that the life is more enjoyful. They are here so that joys and sorrows can be shared. They are there so that we can remove our social masks and become the real self and open our hearts and share our feelings. They are there so that we play and laugh together. That is the simple (but very powerful) role for which they are there in our life.

In this simple chemistry, the contamination we bring is reacting to other's reaction. So, last time when I went to him (or anytime I approach him), he did not responded…or yelled at me…or gave me a sarcastic remark…or regarded me as less important and so on.... Yes, these things are painful. But we never go beyond ruminating over our bad feeling. We just withdraw ourselves from talking to him, deciding that talking to them gives pain (that’s our immediate conclusion). It is painful even to face the memory of what happened and so immediate and easiest way is to withdraw. But our mind does not let us go so easily. It reminds us continuously – no he is your brother, how can you have bad relationship with them, no that is not possible. And we get mad between these thoughts (we never go beyond these thoughts and continuous rumination).

We first need to face this reality - Yes, I had painful interaction or events with him. And if I am thinking over it, it means that I want it to transform to good relationship. We might even realize that, we do not want to have great relationship with this person. This is very much possible. It may be that we are moving with burden of obligation to make relationship strong, just because of blood connection. Once we realize this, the way he reacts will not be of any significance.

Whatever it is, let us get clear about what we want first. If we know that a nice relationship will make our life better, we would better see if we can do something about it.

“Let me see, what he did to me. He made this reaction, which I did not like and it hurt me. Why did he do that? Did he know when he did that and whether he is aware about how I feel about it? If not, let me go and ask. But asking for such things feels so embarrassing. What he will think about it? He will think that I am a fool asking such a question? Or he will react even more badly on me asking this? It will be really bad then. Yes it might be. But right now I am feeling miserable. At least here there is a hope. It might be that he did it unintentionally and so things will get clear. My intention is clear – I want good relationship – and so even if I make some mistake in doing that, it is fine. It may be that he is doing that intentionally. Then he needs to answer for that. And even if he does not answer, at least he need to know that I feel bad about it and I want this relationship to give happiness to both of us and to people around us.”

The best thing when we feel uneasiness with anybody, is to express that uneasiness as it is. In 50% cases, the other person immediately opens up and expresses his feelings, though may not be very openly (they do not expect this openness from us, but they also feel burdenless when we talk freely. Their immediate reaction might be anything, but they develop respect for openness, honesty and intentions. They rather start understanding us better). In other 50% cases, person might tell us not to worry about his reaction. Even he feels bad about the way he reacts and he will thank for giving the feedback. (In all cases, one realization which comes, is that the matter was not so complex, difficult and cumbersome, as I had created in mind by delaying the conversation for so long).

The reaction that we always dread (he will feel insulted, or will get angry or will just walk away) never arise. And even if it happens exceptionally, it is only an immediate reaction and our free talk definitely leaves a mark of openness and intentions. Somewhere he does realize the real situation. The mistake that we make in these situations is to react to his immediate reaction either openly or within ourselves. We only need to be attentive to our actions and to stick to what we think is right. In such cases, it might take some time, but gradually the person starts melting. It is difficult to accept faults and we can make their job easy by behaving in manner in which we think is right (and in not reacting to his behaviour). So if I feel like giving smile to him, I will give it, irrespective of his indifferent or puzzled looks. If I feel like telling him something, I will tell him and look at him expectantly as an ordinary person would expect an answer. If he does not answer, I will feel bad as a normal person would, if I really get that feeling. And it gives such a wonderful feeling, because we will suddenly feel liberated. We are no more dependent on others reactions to decide our actions. We become free from something which had controlled all our reactions, contrary to our will. Now we are in control of our own actions. It feels wonderful and it will transform our life as well as life of people around dramatically.

If someone feels that brother being more intelligent is not giving him proper response, he would better go deeper. See how many good friends of him are intelligent. We do not need intelligent people for relationships. We need loving and caring people. But we trade in love also. I cared and loved so much for him and he did not even notice. What is this? Why do you want a DESIRED and SPECIFIC reaction in response? Why can’t you do what you want to do and end the matter. Let other person do what he thinks he should do. But we always condition our action as per how other person should react to our actions. So if he does not react as we desire, we withdraw totally from him.

And it is not withdrawal. Rather it is a dirty attachment. Every time we remember that person or see him, we are filled with pain. So we develop a relationship, but a painful one. Yes, it is difficult not to expect a desired response. So expect it, no problem. It is painful, if it does not come that way. Yes it is so, accept it. Why to run away from these things. Life is what it is and pain is where we run away from reality, from things as they are. We do not want to even accept that what happened has actually happened. Let’s take a step forward. Yes, it is not easy. But sitting and feeling bad is also not easy. Is it easy to bear the burden of bad relationship? And we have choice of actions. We can stop talking to him. Yes. What will happen then. We will not be able to face each other. We will have this pinch all the time. If I do not want this, what’s the other way. Go and talk to him. Express all feelings truly and openly. There is no chance that he will not understand it.

What is Loss of Humour

(Somebody shared his anxiety over loss of humour and this came out)

Are you talking about situation, where you want to laugh with people, crack jokes, make people laugh, have good and fun time with them. But at the same time, you are somehow not able to do that. Either there is something which stops you from coming out with something humourous, or that even if you want to come out, you can't find the right manner, or other's probable reactions hold you from saying what you want to say?

If that is the case, it may have its roots in you trying to save your image in mind of others. Let me share this example and realisation. A child grows up in an atmosphere, where you have defined criteria of what is good and what is bad. So you learn that drinking, smoking, flirting are signs of bad boys. These boys do all mischief in school and at home. Good boys are sincere and concentrate only on studies. They do not run around, laugh around. They are serious, sincere and polite. All these years, boy gets to learn these things and get rewards for complying with society defined norms.

He sees children playing in streets, getting soiled, shouting and laughing. He also feels like going. But immediately the thought is buried, as being weired. He has seen others failing and himself getting high marks. He has got results and so he does not mind being that way.

As he grows, he knows he is good boy and is always rewarded being that way. So in all his actions, he either tries to enhance that image or to protect this image. And while concentrating on this imaginary self made projection, he loses the real self. In most of the cases that I have observed, loss of humour is because the person wants to cling to his image and does not want to create a different image in society. This fear and hesitation takes aways the inner joy, freshness and originality of person. One can't be genuinely humourous with such burden on head.

To be really humourous, person needs to be completely free of any such burden. Effective humour in most of the cases is not pre-intended. It just comes out. It is the basic nature of humans. Only we have suppressed it under multiple layers.

The only way to gain it back is to break these layers. And it may take time, depending on how many layers you have created. One way in which it can be practically done is to be attentive to the events when you hold yourself from saying or doing something. On such occassions, ask yourself why you are not moving ahead. If answer comes in terms of others will laugh or others might not feel right about it, then go ahead and do that. Break your image of being a good boy, or a serious person or a decent individual. You are what you are. If you feel that doing or saying something (which you feel like saying or doing) will make others think that you are a fool or you are mad or you are not consistent in your actions, better to listen to your voice and do it, rather than holding it up. After all before pleasing any body else you need to please the most important person - Yourself. If you only care about others and not about yourself, your SELF will be lost. So open up and do not leave an opportunity to just be.

Just a Thought

Har Karwaan se aage nikalne ka Junoo Tha hamme,
Zindagi kab peechhe nikal gayi pata naa chalaa.

The Difference

What is the difference between 'the way a normal man works' on one hand, and on the other hand...................

a bird sitting high on a tree signing...... or a flower blossoming with the first ray of light......... or a deer taking long strides towards nowhere.................. or waves coming up and getting lost back into the sea...................... or a new born spreading his smile without any reason.......................... or a tree dancing with winds..................... or two feet moving with the rhythm of music unaware of any dancing rules................................... or a butterfly moving from one flower to another................ or a candle shining brightly knowing that it is continuously losing itself.......... or a monk sitting under a tree with a serene smile...........................

Does the difference lies in intent? Is there are difference of intention or that others (excpet man) do not have intent at all. They do things freely without any intent? But is it intent or a nasty desire to get something or to get away from something, which makes things stressed? Because intent is very pure. If you do something with a clear intent, clear goal, it takes you there very smoothly and happily. But what causes all disturbances in humans? It cannot be a pure intent. It has to be a corrupted intent, if at all it is there. What is it that corrupts it. What is it that is not there in others and so their activities are so pure, despite man being considered superior not only in terms of its physical evolution but also spiritually.

It is the NO to REALITY, NO to THE PRESENT that is the root of all problems. Either we are saying no to a future expected situation and so we are in fear or we are saying no to present situation and so we are uneasy, jealous, depressed and so on. We are trying to fake reality. We just want to change the present moment into something more desirable. Yes, we can change. But we can change future, not the present, not something which is already there.

The cure to all uneasiness is to understand and accept the PRESENT as it is, and taking step with 100% will to make the desired difference.

All serenity in the world is not something acquired by practice or learnt from outside, but it has always been there inside. Only it needs to be unveiled from the covers of our masked reality.

Rethinking Educational System

Today’s education system TRIES to provide tools and skills for survival of a person. However, tools and skills can be utilized properly (and not misutilized) only when person has following elements:
1) He knows and understands himself.
2) He knows what he wants in life – the purpose
3) He clearly knows his priorities and values
4) He can keep himself standing in all turbulent situations – internal and external

These are the foundations on which a person starts living and enjoying life. But our educational system has no focus at all on these areas. We do not have any complementary of alternative system running efficiently, which can compensate for that. Family can assist in this direction to a great extent, but present day parents are also the product of same rotten system and so cannot do much in this direction.

Now talking about skills, our educational system is totally handicapped in providing even the skills and tools. First of all, it does not provide the basic and most important skills, like communication, thought process, creativity, physical fitness, healthy food, arts, imaginative & visual capabilities, self control, etc. Secondly, whatever, skills it teaches, the methodology is completely disoriented. The whole educational system is based on making child learn things by heart. So you have huge books to read. You have homework to write same thing 10 times, and then you have exams to vomit out everything that you learnt during last one year or last one month of exam preparation. The goal of our present educational system is to produce people who can remember things well and then put the same thing on paper. Is this what we need to use in life? Do we need human encyclopedias or the creators? Do we need human books or the action oriented visionaries? We need to decide and then we need to look at what we are giving children. Today’s educational system is garbage and as the principle goes - ‘garbage in garbage out’ – we are going to get non-thinking, theoretical, lousy idiots moving around us (we have already enough of them).

This system is slowly and silently taking the capabilities of human beings to a gradual death. If immediate actions are not taken, results will be disastrous.